


Just One Look and I'm Out of Touch

by nilshki



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:22:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23886661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/pseuds/nilshki
Summary: Tommy Kinnard isn’t gay.Except, maybe he is, at least a little.
Relationships: Howie "Chimney" Han/Tommy Kinnard
Comments: 12
Kudos: 19





	1. i guess i didn’t understand that i fell for you, i lost my cool

**Author's Note:**

> I will stand firm on my molehill that Tommy was super into Chimney. 
> 
> Title is from “Sucker Punch” by Sigrid.  
> I think the song works really well for this fic, plus it’s a great song so give it a listen.
> 
> Enjoy!

Listen, Tommy Kinnard is not gay. 

He’s not _homophobic._ Hell, his sister is bi, and married to a woman. He’s _with it,_ okay? He believes that there’s nothing wrong about being gay. He believes that people should be allowed to marry each other when they love each other, if they want, and gender shouldn’t be a factor.

But Tommy has always, always, been into women. Okay sure, he can appreciate it when a guy is good looking. He’s not blind. He appreciates hotness, no matter where it is. But he’s always been a bit turned off by the thought of two men having sex. He doesn’t think there’s anything _wrong_ with it, it’s just not for him. Doesn’t do it for him.

So it doesn’t mean anything that his heart skipped a beat when the new probie walked in that day, his hair slicked back, his new uniform just a little too starched, a little too tight.

Doesn’t mean anything that his first instinct is to ignore the new guy, _Howard Han,_ to brush him off when he tries to make friends with Tommy. Tommy doesn’t need any more friends who are firefighters. Doesn’t need to lose any more friends in the line of duty. If Howie isn’t his friend, it won’t hurt as much. That’s all.

It doesn’t mean anything that his whole body tingles when he first hugs Howie, after Howie saved his life, after he decided that having friends he could lose was better than being a dick to this amazing guy. 

Doesn’t mean anything when Sal makes a comment and Howie has to explain that Sal’s implying he’s gay, and he has a moment of panic before he brushes it off and blows Sal a mocking kiss.

It doesn't mean anything that he has to look away when Howie is changing into his uniform, or that his gaze lingers a little too long on Howie’s face, his torso, his _ass._ Doesn’t mean anything that he wants to spend all his free time with Howie, that he gets the squad together to go out at least once a week, that he and Howie get drinks themselves even more often than that. Howie’s basically his best friend, makes sense he wants to spend time with him, right?

And then Bobby becomes their new captain, and Hen invites him for drinks. And Tommy’s a little tipsy and they’re comparing scars and Howie is bragging about not having any, and for some reason Tommy thinks about how he wants to explore, and find out if that’s true. And then suddenly he’s lifting up his own shirt, boasting about his own scar, and he’s grinning at Howie and Howie is grinning back. And seeing Howie smile up at him like that, teasing and admiring and maybe looking at his abs...Tommy’s stomach clenches. He works to keep up the casual smile, even as he sees Howie’s falter. He sits down, only partly listening to the captain say he’s got to leave. Ignoring the confused looks Howie and Hen are sending each other. 

_Oh shit_. 

Maybe Tommy is gay. Or bi or pan or something, there are so many labels and identities and he’s not sure any of them fit him and he can’t think straight right now. _Hah. Maybe I never could._ He almost laughs out loud, a little hysterical. He’s having a fucking sexuality crises in the middle of the bar, next to the man that prompted said crisis. 

He stares at his beer for a few long moments, vaguely registering Hen and Howie wondering where the Cap ran off to. He jumps when Hen addresses him directly. 

“Hey, Tommy, alright over there?”

He looks up at her, knowing his eyes are wide and his face flushed. He schools his features into his charming, easy grin. 

“Absolutely, Henrietta, I’m perfectly fine. Except I think I’ve had a bit too much to drink, I should probably head home.” As good an excuse for any. His head _was_ swimming, just not from alcohol. Hen grins back but he can see concern in her eyes.

“Don’t call me Henrietta,” she replies, raising a brow and pointing a finger at him. “And get home safe, Tommy. Text me when you get there.”

He is leaning over to kiss her cheek with a “yes, _mom,_ ” when he made the mistake of glancing over at Howie. And seeing the concern all over his face. Makes him want to wipe it away, hold him until everything is okay again. _Fuck._

“Tommy, are you okay to get home yourself?” he asks.

Tommy nods. “You know it’s a short walk. I’m good.” But Howie shakes his head. 

“You just said you had too much to drink. At least let me walk you, make sure you get there alright.” 

No. He can’t be around Howie right now, not when he is freaking out like this. 

“I’m not drunk, it’s just time to stop. I’m good, I swear.” He locks eyes with Howie, doing his best not to get lost in them. How has he never noticed this before? 

Howie must either be satisfied or gives up, because he nods shortly. “See you later, Tommy.”

Tommy gathers his things and leaves the bar, walking slowly while his brain races a mile a minute.

Well, whatever the label, whatever he feels about other men, he knows one thing. 

Tommy Kinnarrd is hella gay for Howard Han. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! I have chapter two written already but after that it’s opened ended, so if you have something you’re interested in seeing let me know! And as always, let me know what you thought!


	2. there’s no pressure, at least that’s what we always said

Howie Han has known he’s bisexual since he was fifteen years old, when he realized his crush on Andrea Baxter had been replaced by a crush on Jason Gordon, quarterback and all around ladies-man.

At first he’d thought he was just jealous of Jason, but after a while he realized he was jealous of all the girls Jason dated, and something had clicked. 

He never told anyone, not his friends, not Mr. and Mrs. Lee, not Kevin.

He regrets that one, knowing now there will never be the chance to let his brother know this important thing about himself. 

But it’s hard enough being Asian, being the kid people picked on in school, being small. 

It’s hard enough not being the son his father wants, hard enough not knowing what he wanted from his life, and then figuring it out and still being considered the last pick for the ball game.

So he doesn’t tell anyone. He doesn’t need another thing to set him apart.

He wonders if he should when Hen comes along. She’s brave and strong and unapologetically herself, and it’s inspiring to see.

But he still doesn’t tell anyone. He’s never dated or even hooked up with a guy. He can date girls, he  _ likes _ women, so why rock the boat by even considering men? If he never gets involved with a guy, he never has to explain to anyone that he’s with a guy. 

Meeting Tommy Kinnard doesn’t change his mind, definitely not at first. Tommy is a grade A douche, ignoring him or mocking him like every other entitled white boy Howie’s ever met. He settles into the 118, loses his brother, decides to become a paramedic.

And becomes friends with Tommy. 

Tommy quickly becomes his best friend, both at work and outside of it. When Hen joins, she becomes part of their little crew. Tommy often suggests that the four of them, Sal and Hen and Howie and Tommy, go out and bond. Howie looks forward to those nights, as well as the nights he and Tommy go themselves, just sitting around and joking and having fun.

It’s some of the best nights Howie’s had in a long time. Certainly since Kevin died. He had a best friend again.

So it came as a bit of a shock when he realized he was  _ into _ Tommy. Like, wants to bite his abs, shove him up against a wall,  _ into _ him. 

It sort of hits him over the head when Tommy is bragging to Bobby and Hen about his scars, lifting up his shirt to show everyone. 

Howie has seen Tommy without a shirt before. He’s mostly ignored it at work. He knows the stereotype, everyone’s worried the gay guy will check them out in the locker rooms. It’s dumb, but he never wants to feel like he’s contributing to that idiotic myth. Like gay people can’t control themselves like every other human being. Like he can’t control himself. He can. Even when it comes to Tommy Kinnard’s toned body. 

But something about Tommy lifting the hem of his shirt in the middle of a bar. Something about seeing just a little bit of skin, just a hint of  _ something _ . Howie feels his smile droop a little as comprehension hit him with the force of a freight train.

He works hard to keep up the cheery facade, noticing Tommy’s grin flicker for a moment. Though maybe he’s imagined it.

Then all of a sudden, Bobby needs to leave. Howie looks at Hen, who shrugs. 

“What do you think that’s about?” she asks. Howie shakes his head.

“Not a clue.”

He looks over at Tommy, who seems lost in thought, like he’s searching for answers in the last dregs of his beer.

And Howie might be a little more than into him. Like, wants to wake up next to him, give him soft kisses, talk about his hopes and fears and dreams and make him feel safe, more than into him.

_ Woah, back up Han. _ He’d just discovered feelings for the guy, falling for him was a little out of left field. 

Shit. Was he falling for him?

Howie tunes back into the conversation to hear Tommy getting ready to go, citing overindulgence.

He offers to walk him home, his heart beating fast. It’s not like he hasn’t been to Tommy’s place before, but with the knowledge of his feelings, it seems different. Bigger.

Except Tommy isn’t into him, and this wouldn’t be any different from any other time.

He’s a little worried, but acquiesces when Tommy insists he’s fine to go alone. Besides, Howie’s head is so turned around from his realization that he’d probably do something stupid, like try to kiss Tommy.

So he just...watches Tommy leave. Trying not to, well,  _ watch  _ him. 

Apparently he doesn’t do a very good job, since Hen nudges his shoulder and says, “Checkin’ out his ass, huh?” with a knowing grin.

He stammers for a minute, trying to backtrack, find an excuse. If his brain had been working better he might have. Finally, he gives up and buries his face in his hands.

She rubs his shoulder. “C’mon, Howie. It’s okay, he’s hot. Not my type, but he can get it.”

He looks up at her with suspicion. “You knew.” She widens her eyes innocently. 

“You  _ knew, _ ” he repeats, pointing a finger at her accusingly. “How the hell did you know before I did?”

Hen’s eyebrows shoot up in genuine surprise. “Wait, you didn’t know?”

“No, I didn’t know!” He puts a hand on his forehead in exasperation. “I figured it out, like, two fucking minutes ago.”

She looks at him strangely. “You figured...what out?”

He rolls his eyes. “Not that.” He softens when he next speaks though. “Hen, I’m bi. I’ve known for a long time. That’s not what I figured out.”

Hen smiled and then made a mocking sigh of relief. “Phew, at least I don’t have to deal with your sexuality crisis. Just your crush.” She gently punches his arm and leans back in her seat. 

“So, whatchya gonna do about it,” she asks, taking another sip of beer.

Howie looks at her in disbelief. “Nothing, Hen.” She arches a brow, and he continues. “He’s  _ straight. _ ” 

She opens her mouth, then closes it. Shakes her head. “You can’t assume that, Howie.” 

He scoffs. “You think I don’t know if my best friend is straight?” Hen pins him with a look. 

“Did you ever tell him you weren’t?”

Fuck. She’s right. Now what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked chapter two! Again, not sure where this story is taking me so if you have any ideas of things you wanna see, let me know! Also, comment and let me know what you thought, I love hearing it!


	3. meet me in the hallway for a cup of coffee by the stairs

At the time, Tommy wouldn’t have said he was jealous of Hen when she showed up. Sure, he was a little aloof, a little douchey to her when she first showed up. Not that it was an excuse, but he was mostly following the captain’s lead. 

He’d changed his mind about her pretty quick, when Captain Gerard proved himself an ass and Hen had proved herself an invaluable member of the team.

He wished she didn’t ride almost exclusively in the ambulance with Howie, though. He’d chalked that up to Howie being  _ his _ best friend, not hers. One part of his brain reminded him that people can have more than one best friend. The other part of his brain told that part to shut up.

Looking back on it, knowing what he knows about himself now? Of course that was jealousy. Not that he thought Hen was going to date Howie or that Howie was into her. But that she would encroach on the time  _ he _ was allowed to spend with Howie. That she would be a better best friend than he was.

Hence the outings he often suggested.

He lay in his bed, his mind still reeling from what he’d discovered at the bar. 

He hadn’t had a girlfriend in, well, months now. He hadn’t been in a serious relationship since...since Howie had joined the station.  _ Fuck. _

He thinks about the last girl he’d hooked up with. Julie? They’d connected through a dating app. He’d had a really good time, and the sex had been great, considering it was the first and only time they’d been together.

He had definitely been into it. He was definitely attracted to women. So at least he isn’t totally rethinking his identity. 

But when he really thinks about it, when he  _ allows _ himself to think about it, he might actually be into guys too. He thought about that guy in sleepaway camp, the one who made him think,  _ if he were a girl, I’d have the biggest crush _ . The one he’d gotten butterflies around, the one he’d wanted to impress. Not exactly the thought process of a straight person. 

And that one time his college best friend had put his head on Tommy’s shoulder, and the thought flitted through his head before he’d realized.  _ I wonder what it would be like to kiss him. _

Okay, so, not straight. Bisexual? Tommy turns the word over in his head, thinking about guys he’d admitted were hot. Does that mean he was attracted to them? If a hot guy in a bar came up to him, wanted to hook up with him...Tommy realizes with a start that he wouldn’t say no. Also not exactly the feelings of a straight person. 

Bisexual. It scares him and confuses him a little, but it feels...right. Like the word fits him. 

God, Tommy is exhausted. A full day of work, drinks with friends, a sexuality crisis. He scrubs a hand over his face and then turns over resolutely. He needs sleep. He closes his eyes, starting to list the class A combustibles from the manual, and wills himself to drift off.

_ Tommy was on his back, in his bed, eyes closed. Reveling in the soft press of lips against his neck, the ones that turn into licks and gentle bites, that turn into the scraping of teeth and sucking and wow that’s definitely going to leave a mark.  _

_ “Jesus, Howie, careful where you put those, Cap’s gonna notice.” _

_ He opens his eyes to find Howie staring down at him, kneeling over his body, caging Tommy in with arms braced around his head.  _

_ Howie smirks. “Can’t help myself. You taste too good.” _

_ He leans down to lick Tommy’s lips, probing into his mouth, and Tommy sighs at the taste. Sucks Howie’s tongue further into his mouth and grins smugly at Howie’s moan. _

_ They’re naked, and they’re kissing, and Tommy is desperately pulling Howie’s body closer to him, grabbing at his back, running his hands along the smooth skin, the fine hair. Their legs tangle together, they roll around, tumbling over each other and laughing and kissing and— _

Tommy wakes, shooting up suddenly, his heart racing, his alarm blaring, his dick...well. Throbbing. 

He sighs and drops his head to his hands. 

_ Yup. Definitely not straight. _

**

Howie walks into the station two days later, nervous for his next shift. He’s on with Tommy, he knows, and he’s not sure what he’s going to do.

He spent a lot of time thinking. Tommy’s a good guy, he’s his friend, maybe his best friend. He doesn’t want to ruin that, not even if he has these feelings that aren’t exactly friendly. 

He’s come to terms with the fact that he really,  _ really _ , likes Tommy. That if he let himself, he could love the guy. Which would be idiotic, because what’s dumber than falling for your straight best friend?

And he’s pretty sure Tommy is straight. He’s never gotten any vibes off of him to say otherwise, and Howie knows what those vibes would look like. Hen even agreed that she had seen no indications of anything remotely gay about Tommy, though she was quick to remind Howie that that didn’t necessarily mean anything. Some people just don’t give off vibes, she’d said.

So Howie still didn’t know what he wanted to do. If he was going to say anything.

When he walks into the locker rooms to change, Tommy is already there.

“Hey man, good morning,” he says, and Tommy smiles at him. His heart skips a beat. 

“Morning, Howie. Catch the game last night?” 

Howie nods. “Yeah, I was a good one.”

Tommy grunts in agreement and finishes buttoning up his shirt. He closes his locker and turns to Howie. 

“I actually have tickets to a game Saturday. Wanna join?”

Howie looks at him with a bit of surprise. They hung out, sure, but going to a baseball game together? That was new.

“Sure. Who else is coming.”

Tommy blushes, scratches the back of his head. “Uh, I’ve only got two, it’d just be us. That okay?”

_ God he looks so cute when he’s flustered. _

He smiles widely at Tommy, trying to reassure him without totally giving away his feelings. He’s not sure he succeeds with the second part.

“Sounds great, Tommy, thanks for the invite.”

Tommy looks down at his shoes but grins self-consciously. He pats the doorframe twice before walking off. 

Howie sits to tie his shoes, his mind whirling and his heart racing.

_ It’s not a date, it’s just two friends going to a game, it’s not a date! _

**

By the time Saturday arrives, Tommy is a mess. He’s gone back and forth for days, trying to decide if he’d actually asked Howie out or if this was just a friend thing. He couldn’t make up his mind, though he was pretty sure Howie thought it was just friends hanging out.

Did he want to date Howie? He knew he liked him, knew he was attracted to him. But he really didn’t want to risk the friendship they’d developed over the years. 

He stood in front of his mirror, trying to decide what to wear. His best pair of jeans, sure. The dark ones, tight enough to look good but not make it seem like he was trying too hard. The question was t-shirt and jersey or t-shirt and button down. 

If he’d been going on a first date with a woman, he would have chosen the button down. If he was going with the guys, he’d choose the jersey.

For this, he really didn’t know what to choose.

_ Fuck it _ . He pulls on the button down, leaving it open and rolling up the sleeves to make it casual enough for a ballgame. Grabs his baseball hat and puts that on too. Stares at his reflection for too long, fixing every little crease and debating whether to tuck in his shirt or not. Deciding against it.

He shakes his head at himself, trying to calm down. He hasn’t been this nervous since he’d taken Ellie Young to prom.

He grabs his keys and wallet when he hears a knock at the door. He lives on the way to the stadium from Howie’s, so they’d decided Howie would pick him up.  _ Not like a date at all. _

He takes a steadying breath and puts a warm smile on his face, and opens the door to his apartment. 

His breath catches when he sees Howie, his jeans fitting perfectly and the t-shirt under his jersey molding to his torso. His incredibly, underratedly, muscular torso. 

He’s standing there with his hands in his back pockets, chewing his gum and grinning like it’s not the hottest thing Tommy thinks he’s ever seen.

He keeps the smile up, swallows hard, and steps outside. 

“Let’s do this.”

**

_ It’s not a date, it’s not a date. _ Howie keeps repeating that to himself. When he picks Tommy up, and the guy is looking amazing. When they joke and laugh on the line to get in, when they find their seats. Good seats, too, and Howie wonders how Tommy got the tickets, and why he’d invited Howie, of all people. 

Reminds himself when Tommy leans into him after a joke he made, when Tommy goes to get hot dogs and brings Howie’s favorite beer too. When they get soft serve ice cream and Howie gets distracted by the spoon in Tommy’s mouth, missing a great play. 

He’s really not sure how he’s missed just how attracted to Tommy he is for all these years, but damn, he definitely knows it now. And fuck, he’s having a good time. It’s not just looking at Tommy, not just the attraction. It’s spending time with him, just being around, doing something fun together. Howie likes it, a lot, probably too much for his own good.

The game wraps up, and they take their time, caught in the slow moving current of the crowd leaving the stadium. They aren’t in any hurry. Howie is certainly not looking forward to the moment when they aren’t around each other anymore. 

He watches Tommy as they walk, cataloging his expressions and reactions. He does his best to crack good jokes, to come up with witty responses and smart comments. Anything to make Tommy smile, to impress him.

He’s like a teenager with a crush. It’s exhilarating and mortifying at the same time.

There’s nothing awkward about their interactions, their drive home. It’s only when he parks in front of Tommy’s apartment that he’s at a loss for what to do or say. He doesn’t want this day to end, he doesn’t want to leave Tommy’s presence.

“Want to come upstairs for a beer? Maybe order take-out?” Tommy asks, and Howie’s good mood returns. And quickly disappears again. It would be too much. He knows he’s too far gone already. He can’t indulge himself, or he’ll become obsessed. He might already be. And that’s a surefire way to get his heart broken. 

“I’d better go home,” is what he responds. “Shift in the morning, chores to get done. You know.”

Tommy nods, and Howie thinks he sees a bit of disappointment in his face. But then Tommy smiles brightly, claps Howie on the shoulder, and exits the car. Waves back as he walks into the building. Howie waves in return, making sure Tommy is gone before banging his head on the steering wheel in frustration. 

_ God, feelings are so dumb. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! I have chapter two written already but after that it’s opened ended, so if you have something you’re interested in seeing let me know! And as always, let me know what you thought!


End file.
